I didn’t think I’d come back…

What a load of rubbish!

I’ve come back to this blog after abandoning it. What self-inflated crap have I written?! The layers of my denial ran deep. That I actually thought I was healing myself with yoga? That I actually thought I wanted recovery?!

The truth – I was knee deep in an eating disorder that could have cost me my life. I didn’t think I could come back from it.

I hid behind a weak argument that I was documenting my recovery, holding myself accountable, and that all I needed was yoga and writing and I’d be saved from my own mind.

To anyone who might have come across this measly attempt to ‘write and recover’ – I am truly sorry.

I had my head in the clouds – or rather buried deep in the sand – that I actually believed I was trying to recover from this painful, life-consuming and debilitating disease of an eating disorder.

Since these posts I have spent a year in intensive in-patient treatment. It took me working with a multi-disciplinary team of psychotherapists, psychiatrists, dieticians, addiction and eating disorder specialists, to even wake up and realise the reality of my illness. Even then, it took many months more to find the motivation to actually recover.

I am still only halfway there. Physically, I am well. I am stronger, I can think clearly, I have energy, the hair that fell out is growing back again, I am no longer grey. I no longer exist in this state of apathy, numb to everything except the biting cold that crept permanently into my bones. I care about people, and the world again. My family and friends say that the Laura they know is back.

Mentally, I still struggle – with what I see when I look in the mirror, with nourishing my body as it needs day in and day out.

Mental restoration is the hardest, and last battle to be won.

I do still feel strongly about the role yoga and movement has to play in my recovery, but for me, and others who are underweight and in malnutrition, only after wight is stable and nutrition has been restored.

The body needs a break. I fully used yoga as another means through which to burn calories under the illusion that I was healing.

I was only re-introduced to yoga after 6 months of treatment. In a controlled environment under the direction of my dietician.

I am now out of treatment, living back with my elderly parents, and learning how to navigate recovery whilst rebuilding a life for myself. Although treatment was tough, the real work is only just beginning. Everyday I have a choice to make – to continue climbing, or tumble back down that terrifying black hole.

I want to continue with this blog. I want to write about my experiences, my journey, what I have learned and what I am yet to learn.

I want to raise awareness of eating disorders – something so dark and incomprehensible to so many people – and to give a message of hope that recovery is possible.

Yes, it is the hardest thing I have ever done, but I’m doing it. Despite the tears and the pain, there is joy, and I am smiling again.

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